I have a friend named Emily, who is studying at a university in New York. During high school, she had a boyfriend named Jake. They were the couple everyone admired, and most people thought they would stay together forever. However, as college came, they faced the challenges of long-distance dating. At first, Emily felt lucky, as Jake would call her every week and occasionally visit her at school. But over time, she began to feel anxious, fearing that Jake no longer cared for her the way he used to. She even started to worry about every text that went unanswered, constantly wondering if she had done something wrong to make him distant.
Recently, Emily called me, her voice filled with anxiety, telling me, “I’m starting to doubt if I’m good enough, if he still likes me.” Hearing this, I realized she was deep in the cycle of overthinking, a pattern many of us have experienced in relationships. So, how can we overcome this kind of mindset?
1. Imagine the Worst-Case Scenario and Accept Uncertainty
I told Emily that the first thing she needs to do is imagine the worst-case scenario. What she fears most is losing Jake and the relationship coming to an end. I asked her, “Even if the worst happens, what would life look like?” Emily paused for a moment and then said, “I would still keep living.” And that’s the truth: even if a relationship ends, life will go on. Accepting uncertainty and imagining the worst can help us reduce the fear of loss and allow us to face the ups and downs of relationships more rationally.
2. Lower Expectations of Your Partner
I continued by telling Emily that a lot of her overthinking comes from having too high expectations of Jake. She often expects him to always be there, replying to texts immediately, calling frequently. But the reality is, everyone has their own pace and needs. We can’t expect our partner to meet all of our emotional needs at every moment. If we have unrealistic expectations, it will only lead to disappointment and anxiety.
3. Don’t Idealize Your Partner
Another issue is that Emily idealizes Jake. She sees him as the perfect boyfriend and believes he should have no flaws. This leads her to overreact whenever she sees any small change in his behavior. It’s crucial not to idealize your partner. Everyone has both strengths and weaknesses, and in a relationship, we should focus on accepting the real person in front of us, rather than a perfect, idealized image.
4. Learn to Be Self-Sufficient and Independent
I also told Emily that self-independence is key to overcoming overthinking. If we constantly rely on our partner to fill emotional gaps, this dependence will lead to an imbalance in the relationship. Developing self-sufficiency, and not depending on your partner to fix what’s missing, allows you to navigate the relationship with more ease. For example, Emily can focus on her own interests and career growth, so even if the relationship experiences ups and downs, she can maintain emotional stability.
5. Be Less Proactive and Allow Space in the Relationship
I reminded Emily that moderate proactivity is very important in relationships. If you are always the one actively seeking your partner’s attention or responses, it can create pressure and potentially decrease attraction. Being less proactive and giving your partner space allows them to take the initiative, which can help the relationship develop more naturally and reduce anxiety.
6. Improve Communication to Avoid Misunderstandings
Lastly, I told Emily that communication is an effective way to avoid overthinking. She often kept her emotional anxiety to herself and didn’t communicate it with Jake. Good communication helps both partners better understand each other’s needs and reduces misunderstandings and anxiety. Open, honest communication can ease emotional distress caused by insecurity.
7. Focus on Personal Growth and Build Emotional Stability
Finally, I advised Emily to enhance her emotional stability through personal growth. No matter how the relationship evolves, maintaining personal growth and independence will help you stay emotionally balanced within the relationship. When you focus on your career, hobbies, and social circles, the anxiety in your relationship will naturally decrease.
Conclusion:
Overcoming the mindset of overthinking in relationships isn’t something that happens overnight, but with a shift in perspective, it’s entirely possible. By accepting uncertainty, lowering expectations, and focusing on personal growth, we can reduce anxiety and create a healthier, more balanced relationship. The key is to be confident and self-sufficient, ensuring that you can thrive independently while still nurturing a meaningful connection with your partner.
